Joie De Vivre

I’ve been looking at old photos recently. Not “infant” old but more middle- to high-school old. Watching old videos too, listening to the songs we used to listen to at that point.

I couldn’t figure out why, I couldn’t understand why my brain wanted me to rehash the past, and see things, see people, more importantly, that aren’t a constant in my life. Not to say I didn’t care about them anymore, but more weren’t people I would talk to every day.

Being me, being the over-sensitive, over-emotional, over-everything-that-I-should-be-able-to-control-but-can’t person I am, I start to over-think, wonder what happened between then and now, why I’m so different now. Why aren’t those people in my life? Most importantly, why was I happy then, and not now?

And then it hit me, like a train; joie de vivre.  I used to enjoy life, no matter the circumstances, no matter where I was. There were places I would enjoy more than others, of course. Dubai more than Beirut, school more than university (yes, I know it’s odd), a friend’s place more than a nightclub, but I would try to make the best out of it.

Joie de vivre translated means the exuberant enjoyment of life. It’s what we all should strive for. Instead of me sitting in my office, hating not only life but myself included, trying with all my might not to cry over something silly like a little girl holding a teddy bear. It’s that much of a struggle for me that the innocence that’s paired with a child that resembles my very own childlike persona could tip me over the edge.

I’m not going to say I’m going to go find my happiness, or whatever people do when they have an epiphany. I’m too far gone to find where it is; also adults don’t really get to have joie de vivre, at least not at this point.

At the very least, I do have a plan. A plan that could possibly get me out of this depression and that is kind of exciting. It’s exciting whenever I see myself trying to change my circumstances because I’m not happy, because it reminds me of who I used to be, it reminds me that I’m not just going to be a doormat. It reminds me that someone inside me knows that my happiness is worth fighting for.

Salutations 2016

My title is so nerdy, but meh, so am I. Honestly, if you didn’t think I was a nerd, but in the cute, quirky way, I doubt you’d be reading this. ANYWAY, its 2016! Helloooo New Year! Happy New Year/Merry Christmas to you and yours, since my last 2015 blog was before those, and I really do hope all of you have had a wonderful holiday season. I sure have, but wonderful/crazy tend to merge with my amazing family that I love so much and see too much of during the holidays.

However, this isn’t about how my holidays went. This blog post is here for three reasons. 1, I need to talk about my 3 small resolutions for January. 2, I needed to start off the new year of blogging. 3, one of my best friends, Nishaat (who is also my wifey) was hoping for a new blog. And isn’t that just so cute? I didn’t think anyone actually looked forward to these. It’s more like “oh… I’m bored, might as well read this.”

So much self-confidence I have in myself, right? Nour Sheety is Number 1.

Never mind about that! On to the resolutions!!

Alright, January is pretty simple. January is the month to do everything you wanted to do last year, but after filtering out all the kind of stupid stuff. So, for January I have 3 very easy resolutions.

#1: Pass my parking (which is after tomorrow, eek!) and my driving (TBD) tests, so I can finally drive myself everywhere.

I CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM TO SEE HOW CLOSE I AM TO FINISHING MY DRIVING LESSONS. And so terrified to possibly fail them. Driving tests in the U.A.E. are insane. For example, the parking tests? If you re-adjust, you fail. I CAN’T TAKE THIS PRESSURE. But I’m also sort of a perfectionist. I never failed a single test in university, and I’m mostly a B+ to A- student, more towards A’s in my senior year. I feel proud about it, I’m not ashamed or braggy, it’s just something about me. So, I need to pass. I have to do it. Wish me luck!!

#2: Re-join the gym.

How cliché am I right now? But seriously, I started gymming late November, early December. I got a personal trainer and everything. Zumba, Yoga, bla. Then… I went to Lebanon for a week for a visit. Psh, I’m not gonna work out there? You crazy? Then I came back here a week before Christmas. But, dude, it’s Christmas, I can’t work out! Then, there’s only a week till the New Year, and bam it’s 2016. And I’m finally out of excuses. TO THE GYM!

#3: Find a choir group.

If you know me, you know I love singing. I might not be the best at it, but I can keep in tune, and it makes me happy. So, instead of belting out songs in my room, I’m gonna find a choir group I can join in Dubai, and possibly join it with my brother. The possibly isn’t for me though. There is no possibly in these resolutions, I’m doing them. I have to do something with my life.

I was telling one of my friends, that this year is not “New Year, New Me” stuff, although, if that’s you go for it. I hate it when people go “oh let’s get ready for the New Year, New Me bullshit.” Guys, people are allowed to re-invent themselves, if they want to. What’s it to you anyway? They’re not changing anything about you. Anyway, to get back on topic, same me, just better. Same me, just filling up more of my “potential.”

I can’t wait to start this year, to finally do all the stuff I want to do! Who knows if I’ll even stick to this, who knows if I’ll have 3 resolutions every month, but as long as I do things like join a choir, or take ballroom dancing lessons, or just drive wherever I want to, I’ll be happy.

And I haven’t wished for love this year. Love is whatever. I have love, I love all the wonderful people in my life. And I haven’t wished for happiness either, because that’s in my own hands.

What I have wished for? The will to control my own destiny. It’s been a long time coming, around 21 years. It’s time to do it. Better late than never! 2016, let’s start living.

Lost Connection

It’s funny how much hurt one can put you under without specifically doing anything to you. We’ve discussed that I’m super emotional, and that I feel things too strongly, but this isn’t about me. This is about how silence, or even unoffending words, can hurt more than the loudest, meanest thing you could ever say.

Why do I say this? Because as it happens, sometimes people stop talking to me. After we’ve had a fight, or after we’ve come to a disagreement. It’s fine if a few hours later we start talking again, but if you don’t? The first thing that comes to mind is that you’re mad at me, and when someone is mad at me, I have to resolve it.

I can’t have people mad at me because I’m a people pleaser, and I want everyone to like me. So what do I do? I talk. I initiate a conversation, trying to smooth things over. I apologize, but I also ask for one in return. And I always, always, always mention that I say things that I don’t mean when I’m angry. I mean, we all do, right? When we’re angry, we say hurtful things. Especially if you know the person, and you know exactly how to hit under the belt. And for those things, I apologize one more time. And I wait for a reply.

No reply? Big problem. I sometimes start talking more. I get frantic. I get crazy. I become obsessive compulsive me. And now the thought in my head is that I must’ve hurt them more than I had thought. People, if you don’t talk to me, I will go insane. Even if you don’t want to talk to me, just say something just so I don’t leave you with a thousand messages. Honestly, I’m saying this for your own benefit. Don’t leave me in the dark. Because the dark won’t scare me, it will definitely scare you.

After that comes the fact that the person might never reply. I eventually accept it. I keep to myself that my heart is slightly fractured. I might cry a little bit, but my eyes’ tear ducts are often used so it’s not a big deal. I hate it when people don’t reply, or don’t talk to me at this point because I get the message loud and clear: They don’t care about me.

It’s fascinating nowadays how a person can go from meaning the world to you to becoming absolutely worthless. Not worth mentioning, not worth talking to, not worth your time or your love. We’ve already established that I give love out without any hesitation. And that I’m happy with the way that I am, because I believe that killing with kindness is better than living in solidarity with nothing and no one to love. But, to people who cut me off, who cut anyone off without a second glance, or to people who don’t reply because they don’t want to talk the person… why do you do it? How can you do it?

It surprises me. People love people, and people hate people. I constantly say I hate everything. I constantly say it. But those that I talk to? I love. Why would I not love those I spend time with and care about so deeply? So, if you’re talking to someone, and you have a fight, and none of you talk for a while, don’t let that just slip away. The person you’re not talking to is someone you used to know, someone you used to enjoy talking to. And in this world filled with so much hate, destruction, corruption and, let’s face it, shit, you need people whose company you enjoy. So pick up that phone, and talk to someone you want to talk to. Leave your pride out of it.

The Perks of Intelligence

If I were a smarter person, I’d probably not put myself down all the time. I’d understand that everyone has their off days, including me, and I’d just take time to myself to heal. Emotions are nothing to be afraid of, and they’re nothing to hide either. Everyone feels down at one point, but if you’re feeling down, you shouldn’t make yourself feel worse; that’s just cruel. However, when I feel down, I start to recount all the things I hate about myself, and that’s a long list, believe me. Even worse? I go around telling people, willing them to make me feel better, knowing they can’t.

If I were a smarter person, I’d start exercising, instead of complaining about eating too much. I love food, and I’d like to believe food loves me. And I’m not talking about calories and becoming fat and all that. Of course most of us want healthy, sexy bodies. We want to be desired, there’s nothing wrong with that. And though nothing will stop my love of food, I need to get my sorry ass off that couch and do something with my life. But no, the only place I go to is my kitchen, and that’s only to pick up another bag of chips to eat on my red couch.

I were a smarter person, I’d probably be prettier too. I’m not talking about increased intelligence making someone more desirable at this point, just increased awareness. Instead of constantly looking in the mirror and noticing all my flaws, grimacing at what I’d see, I’d highlight my best features, and feel pretty myself. And once you see it, and internalize it, other people start to see it too. Instead of unconsciously saying “ew” or avoiding eye contact whenever someone complimented me, I’d say “Thank you” and take it in stride. No one has to compliment you, no one has to tell you you’re pretty. They do it because they want to. They do it because they see something pleasing to their eyes and the want to say it.

If I were a smarter person, I would do all these things. But I’m not. I only know all these things and can’t apply them.

Insecurities are not a joke. They’re not something to take light. They’re not something that should drive people away. They’re not something you tell another person to get over. I wish I could. Every day I wish I was someone different, and that I lived in a world that belonged to other people as well as myself, not just my own. People can tell me time and time again that I’m a great person, but nothing will ever settle unless I believe it myself.

For the whole of 2015, I have tried to love myself. But for some absurd reason, I cannot. It’s absurd because I know love. I love other people with such a passion that they can feel it. And if they can’t? I make them. I love love. I love loving people. I love making people feel loved.

But why can’t I love myself? They say you can’t love anyone until you love yourself but that’s not true because I spend my time just loving others. Putting a smile on their faces. It’s even better when they’re not very emotional people and they just love me because I feel like I’ve gotten through to them. Talking like this makes it seem like it’s a prize I’ve won, but it’s really not. It’s just what I like to do.

And see, if I were a smarter person, and I loved myself, I could give even more love to people. But because I were a smarter person, and I loved myself, I would give it to the right people, those who won’t hurt me. Because all insecurities stem from some place, and mine stem from the hurt that people caused me. And that alone should make me smart enough to not trust everyone right away. That alone should make me wise up and only give love to those who plan to love in return, maybe not right away, but at least some day.

But, hey, I think the one thing we’ve learned from this blog post is I’m not a very smart person.

Relatively Gotten.

Besides my best friend of 10 years, no one gets me like my brothers. As I sit here in my room, on yet another Friday night, listening to my Video Game Playlist on YouTube, humming along and smiling at memories those songs are linked to, I realize it.

In the 20 years of my being, my best friends are my brothers. And I would always pick hanging out with them over anyone else, because it’s so nice to hang out with people you don’t have to apologize to for being yourself.

Honestly, sometimes I think I’m too much of myself, if that makes any sense. And I drive people away, and come on too strong and basically all the issues that come with over-attachment that I dress up so well in the form of a shy, little, scared girl. But that’s all it is. I’m a scared girl, scared that no one will get me like my brothers do.

There’s this question I ask often. I ask those who I know very well if they love me. Not in any secret way or subtlety. Trust me, subtle is not my strong suit. I simply ask, “Do you love me?” But I realize now, I might be asking, do you get me. Do you understand what I’m saying. Do you know how weird I am, and more importantly do you accept it? Do you accept me, as I am?

Truth is, I don’t think anyone does. I have friends, and I know they love me and my company. I just don’t think they completely understand me, so I tend to tone it down. And it’s not like I’m mad because only my brothers get me. It’s not the world’s fault I’m different, and it’s not mine either, I mean, I’m pretty awesome (just kidding).

What I’m trying to say is I’m grateful that two of the most awesome people I’ve ever met turned out to be related to me, and that they love me and accept me for who I am, fully, with no judgement, and think I’m funny, creative and make me happy.

I just wish other people were like that too. I wish other people tried to get me.

An Appreciation Post

Well, I’m currently working through my writer’s block, so bear with me.

Today, I’m going to talk about and outwardly appreciate my friends. Why? Because they deserve it.

To sum up, I’ve had some really crappy friendships, and really crappy friends to go along with them. People have judged, backstabbed and/or left me, and through it all I still trust wholeheartedly. Yes, I’m a fool. But for those who stayed by me, through my foolishness and stupidity, all I have to say to you is thank you.

We usually take our friends for granted, especially those we know will never leave us. However, the friends we’re afraid we’ll lose, we take extra special care with, make them feel loved and wanted, and never unwelcome into our open arms. Why? Why do we care so much? I’m writing from my personal experience, because so many people have left me, and I sometimes knew they would so I in turn held on as tight as I could. This made them push even further away, which made me feel (and I still do feel this way) like I pushed them away, like I was the problem.

And every time I’d make a new friend, I would trust them enough to share with them my insecurities, about how I have attachment and abandonment issues (which kind of go hand in hand) and they, at that point, would still like me and say, “No, of course it’s not you, you’re great.” That, however, would quickly turn to, “Of course it’s you, you drive people away, no wonder so many people have left you.” I’ve heard that so many times that I don’t even care if someone says it to me. But, I know that sometimes I do.

Those “friends” don’t deserve an appreciation post. If you have ever put a smile on my face repeatedly, made me feel worthwhile when I left low, and simply, stayed in my life out of free will… Thank you, this post is for you. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. I might have too many friends to call best friends, but you all are. I have been blessed with finding amazing people in this world, even if I had to search a little harder than most people. If I have shared secrets with you, and you have shared some with me as well, know that I consider you a respectable and honorable friend that I will cherish forever.

I know the world is filled with cruel people, and that some people just want to see that harshness in the world and don’t ever look for the light. I, too, tend to look for the darkness sometimes, but I have friends who force my eyes to the light, and because of you I know who I am, who I want to be, and that tomorrow will be an easier today.

I don’t have to mention them by name, I feel that’s kind of tacky. You know who you are.

I encourage everyone to just thank one of their friends today for being in their lives! Appreciate the friends who stayed, and don’t dwell on those who have left, they don’t deserve you!

Thump Thump

It has recently come to my attention that the world revolves around heartbreak. And that they’re are several forms of heartbreak, so I don’t mean that the world revolves around love. Yes, the Beatles sang about how all you need is love, love, love is all you need, and maybe that’s true for some people (I honestly think you need more) but I’m talking about the pain.

I believe anything could break your heart, and that there are degrees of shattering. Also, I don’t mean to belittle the earth-shattering end of a romantic relationship that at times doesn’t seem to get better. I think that would be the most prominent form and rightfully so. How many of us have cried over love, requited or unrequited.

However, to get to the point, I’m going to talk about other forms. For example, children can break their mothers’ hearts in a matter of minutes. It takes a few words, a few unanswered questions, a few ungrateful replies. In my experience (as a child) a mother’s whole world is her children, no matter what else is on her mind, the children will always have a place there, and are always a priority. So, it makes sense that we’re also in her heart, at all times. So, imagine, if you will, a person who has taken care of you before you were even born, till adulthood and even further. Imagine now what place you hold in that heart. Imagine saying something that could hurt that person, and in turn, that heart. Shatter.

As Phil Collins says in one of my favorite songs (You’ll Be In My Heart) “No words describe a mother’s tears, no words can heal a broken heart” In that passage, he’s not talking about the romantic type of love.

Another form of heart break that I experience a lot is the hurt that happens when I fight with a friend. Mostly it’s my “soulmate” (best friend) and I love her to bits. She’s probably my favorite person that’s not family, but we fight a lot, no doubt. And every time we fight, my heart breaks a little bit. And I’m not saying that I’m innocent in all of this, not at all. The problem is we know everything about each other, so we know exactly what to say to hit that heart ache, even though we don’t mean to. Just those little words that stay with you, and boom, clap, the sound of my heart… breaking.

There are many forms, not getting the thing you wanted, not achieving your goals, getting angry at something you’ve created (you are your biggest critic, I would know), having a terrible day. As I said, degrees of shattering, and, depending on the degree, you have to learn how to patch it up now.

I think that heartbreak is a part of life, and a very big part. Because, we love, we make friends, we yell at people, we break up, we feel things. Emotions are a part of life, which includes hurt. I relate hurt to heartbreak because it only hurts if it affects your heart, right? But, since heartbreak is a part of life, we grow because of it, we build character, we learn from our mistakes.

I know most of us try to shove out the hurt. “No, I’m not hurting. Are you kidding? I’m fine!” But, it’s natural to feel broken, and like there’s no one to talk to and there’s no one who feels like you do. And it’s normal to not want to talk about it right now. But recognize that people want to help you and want you to talk to them, so help them help you, and don’t bottle it up for too long. After all, it’s only life.

Sorry this post was late guys, got a lot on my plate! Enjoy the video, and I’ll be back with a post on Saturday 🙂

Adieu till later, my friends.