Lost Connection

It’s funny how much hurt one can put you under without specifically doing anything to you. We’ve discussed that I’m super emotional, and that I feel things too strongly, but this isn’t about me. This is about how silence, or even unoffending words, can hurt more than the loudest, meanest thing you could ever say.

Why do I say this? Because as it happens, sometimes people stop talking to me. After we’ve had a fight, or after we’ve come to a disagreement. It’s fine if a few hours later we start talking again, but if you don’t? The first thing that comes to mind is that you’re mad at me, and when someone is mad at me, I have to resolve it.

I can’t have people mad at me because I’m a people pleaser, and I want everyone to like me. So what do I do? I talk. I initiate a conversation, trying to smooth things over. I apologize, but I also ask for one in return. And I always, always, always mention that I say things that I don’t mean when I’m angry. I mean, we all do, right? When we’re angry, we say hurtful things. Especially if you know the person, and you know exactly how to hit under the belt. And for those things, I apologize one more time. And I wait for a reply.

No reply? Big problem. I sometimes start talking more. I get frantic. I get crazy. I become obsessive compulsive me. And now the thought in my head is that I must’ve hurt them more than I had thought. People, if you don’t talk to me, I will go insane. Even if you don’t want to talk to me, just say something just so I don’t leave you with a thousand messages. Honestly, I’m saying this for your own benefit. Don’t leave me in the dark. Because the dark won’t scare me, it will definitely scare you.

After that comes the fact that the person might never reply. I eventually accept it. I keep to myself that my heart is slightly fractured. I might cry a little bit, but my eyes’ tear ducts are often used so it’s not a big deal. I hate it when people don’t reply, or don’t talk to me at this point because I get the message loud and clear: They don’t care about me.

It’s fascinating nowadays how a person can go from meaning the world to you to becoming absolutely worthless. Not worth mentioning, not worth talking to, not worth your time or your love. We’ve already established that I give love out without any hesitation. And that I’m happy with the way that I am, because I believe that killing with kindness is better than living in solidarity with nothing and no one to love. But, to people who cut me off, who cut anyone off without a second glance, or to people who don’t reply because they don’t want to talk the person… why do you do it? How can you do it?

It surprises me. People love people, and people hate people. I constantly say I hate everything. I constantly say it. But those that I talk to? I love. Why would I not love those I spend time with and care about so deeply? So, if you’re talking to someone, and you have a fight, and none of you talk for a while, don’t let that just slip away. The person you’re not talking to is someone you used to know, someone you used to enjoy talking to. And in this world filled with so much hate, destruction, corruption and, let’s face it, shit, you need people whose company you enjoy. So pick up that phone, and talk to someone you want to talk to. Leave your pride out of it.

A Good Cry

Didja miss me, kids?

Funnily enough, I missed writing, which I feel awesome about, and even though I’m currently still at an internet-less home, I decided I must use a hotspot (courtesy of my brother) and write through these dark times.

In short, I need Internet… now.

But enough about those new age woes, let’s take a gander at other woes. In this blog post, I plan to talk about two things, the first is obviously what I think about crying and the other is my “crying” movie, which I believe everyone should have.

I’m a very sensitive person. The slightest of actions can break my spirit and thus my spirit has been broken many times. I want people to care about me, I want them to ask me what’s wrong and to tell me everything will be ok, I’m the type of person that wants to feel wanted, at least by one person. But one thing I don’t want is for anyone to see me cry. Not even just one glistening tear dropping doing my cheek. It’s not just a sign of weakness, I think of crying in front of people as a cry for help, as though I’m giving up and that I’m just done with my current problem or situation. And I try as hard as I can not to cry in front of people.

However, we all have days, or weeks, where shit just keeps piling up, and you don’t know how to deal with it, and facing it could seem like the most terrifying thing to do. So, you sweep it under the rug, and hope that all that sweeping doesn’t turn into a tripping hazard. But, in truth, it always does. And we fall, and we face it. And that’s when the crying starts.

Luckily, I don’t sweep under the rug. Being a sensitive person, I am very in tune with my emotions, and I know when I just need a good sob to get it all out of the way, and to focus on fixing the situation. I believe a good cry is something we all need. As though we get it out of our system until we’re all cried out, like a sort of detox for your sad emotions.

So I lock myself in my room, and I put on what I think is one of the best (and saddest) movies ever, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (hich I will refer to as THoND from now on). To say this movie has moved me on several occasions would be a gross understatement. I remember the first time I watched this movie while being aware of everything that was going on. I was with one of my cousins who was 4 at the time I believe. We popped in this movie and I sat there, sobbing crocodile tears at how heart-wrenchingly beautiful it was. And also how relatable it was. Now, I’m aware that I’m not deformed, neither am I an orphan or being raised to think that I am a monster. But I think we all can relate to Quasimodo at one point or another. I mean, for me, as I mentioned earlier, I want to be wanted by the glorious world I see, but it keeps rejecting me and makes a point to bring out the my flaws and makes me rear my ugly head at it. In THoND, what Quasi wants most is acceptance. Sure, he falls in love with Esmeralda and it’s basically the only Disney movie where the male lead doesn’t get the girl, but I think the beauty in it is that acceptance he receives at the end. Where people realize he’s exactly like them, but even more so because he’s kind, courageous, generous, friendly, honest and basically a wonderful person who we should all aspire to be like.

So, anyway, from the scene where the lights are streaming through the clouds (the beginning, if you haven’t seen it) till the ending credits, my tears are flowing down my face and I’m through my second tissue box probably. Afterwards, I feel a little sad at how cruel the world can be, but perhaps an hour or two later, or maybe the next morning, I feel a whole lot better, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t understand people who won’t cry, even by themselves, just for the sake of their pride or whatever. Get over it, we all need to cry sometimes. We all need to get it out because Life is unfair, and sometimes majorly to one person all in the course of a few days.

If I were to give you advice in this blog post, it’s to find a crying movie, and save it for when you need to let it all out. We’re not superhumans, none of us are. Some of us are just trying to get through life day by day. And some days suck, and we have to deal with it, while acknowledging the things get better. Trust me.