Lost Connection

It’s funny how much hurt one can put you under without specifically doing anything to you. We’ve discussed that I’m super emotional, and that I feel things too strongly, but this isn’t about me. This is about how silence, or even unoffending words, can hurt more than the loudest, meanest thing you could ever say.

Why do I say this? Because as it happens, sometimes people stop talking to me. After we’ve had a fight, or after we’ve come to a disagreement. It’s fine if a few hours later we start talking again, but if you don’t? The first thing that comes to mind is that you’re mad at me, and when someone is mad at me, I have to resolve it.

I can’t have people mad at me because I’m a people pleaser, and I want everyone to like me. So what do I do? I talk. I initiate a conversation, trying to smooth things over. I apologize, but I also ask for one in return. And I always, always, always mention that I say things that I don’t mean when I’m angry. I mean, we all do, right? When we’re angry, we say hurtful things. Especially if you know the person, and you know exactly how to hit under the belt. And for those things, I apologize one more time. And I wait for a reply.

No reply? Big problem. I sometimes start talking more. I get frantic. I get crazy. I become obsessive compulsive me. And now the thought in my head is that I must’ve hurt them more than I had thought. People, if you don’t talk to me, I will go insane. Even if you don’t want to talk to me, just say something just so I don’t leave you with a thousand messages. Honestly, I’m saying this for your own benefit. Don’t leave me in the dark. Because the dark won’t scare me, it will definitely scare you.

After that comes the fact that the person might never reply. I eventually accept it. I keep to myself that my heart is slightly fractured. I might cry a little bit, but my eyes’ tear ducts are often used so it’s not a big deal. I hate it when people don’t reply, or don’t talk to me at this point because I get the message loud and clear: They don’t care about me.

It’s fascinating nowadays how a person can go from meaning the world to you to becoming absolutely worthless. Not worth mentioning, not worth talking to, not worth your time or your love. We’ve already established that I give love out without any hesitation. And that I’m happy with the way that I am, because I believe that killing with kindness is better than living in solidarity with nothing and no one to love. But, to people who cut me off, who cut anyone off without a second glance, or to people who don’t reply because they don’t want to talk the person… why do you do it? How can you do it?

It surprises me. People love people, and people hate people. I constantly say I hate everything. I constantly say it. But those that I talk to? I love. Why would I not love those I spend time with and care about so deeply? So, if you’re talking to someone, and you have a fight, and none of you talk for a while, don’t let that just slip away. The person you’re not talking to is someone you used to know, someone you used to enjoy talking to. And in this world filled with so much hate, destruction, corruption and, let’s face it, shit, you need people whose company you enjoy. So pick up that phone, and talk to someone you want to talk to. Leave your pride out of it.

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